It wasn’t that long ago that I was an unsure kid just trying to find my way. Eyes starry, wide open. I wanted validation, wanted to fit in, wanted to know my place, wanted to be accepted. I wasn’t sure of myself but I was getting there. I put on a front of having everything together and attempted to walk-the-walk. ‘Fake it til you make it’ as they say. But if you looked real closely you could find subtle clues that were off. That what I was attempting to project wasn’t necessarily reality. And then something clicked. Things shifted. Most people ahve a story about a changing point in their lives. Not me. I had years of struggling to survive in a world constructed by fear. I’m still pulling myself out of it. I’ve been learning how I constructed a personality out of fear. One that’s violent, quick to anger, destructive, unpredictable, vampiric, ruthless, and vicious. I used this character to survive, and in some ways, thrive. I fed on others, getting them so emotionally worked up that they lost control over themselves and then feeding on their emotional outbursts. I developed a taste for it and I would chase that feeling like an addiction. What I learned later was that cup of others’ energy never fully slakes your thirst, the thirst only grows. But to get to that point, I got to be the best. The better I got, the further I chased that rabbit down the hole. Until I realized I was destroying myself. This wasn’t necessarily a conscious thought; it was deeper, down in my subconscious. I recently got to confront my desires and what I learned was that I felt like I needed to look scary to be safe. That was one of my core driving statements: “As long as I look scary, I will be safe, people will be too afraid to hurt me.” Or approach me, or befriend me, or love me. But I was trying to survive, so I created that creature inside me that fed on others.
I’ve left much of that violence and torment and misery behind me now. Each day has the choice of stepping forward away from that lifestyle, or back toward it. I won’t lie in saying that those old vices don’t call to me. They sing their praises in the back corners of my mind. When they can, they’ll tinge my vision to change the pictures I see around me. Every day is a choice.
Some days I Fall down, my strength flees me and I find myself operating the darkness once again. Sometimes without even realizing it until I’m already square in the middle of it. Then I stop, turn, and start walking forward again. Away from the pain, the misery, and the hunger. Toward what I desperately hope to be a better future. Because often I’m exhausted. Maintaining explosions and the fires of anger, hate, and madness is no fete task and their tolls I feel deep through my bones into my soul.
Most of all I wish for my soul to be my own, not ridden by other forces who no care for me or mine. I’ll not be the feeder for destruction any longer. I may be exhausted but I still have the strength to pull away. I will maintain this strength past even the time when the breath leaves this body and my energetic soul continues this path beyond.
I am thankful for my past experiences for they allow me to clearly the shape of the present and the outline of the future.
